“She’s shy or weird, but she has a sweet kid.”
If my only redeeming quality is my kid is sweet, then I’m obviously doing something right.
My job is solitary. I write alone. I read alone. I edit alone. I email my file to my betas alone for them to read alone. I rewrite alone, re-edit alone, reword alone, and add scenes alone. I email my editor alone for her to edit alone. It’s a process, but lonely. It takes a lot of focus. I lose sleep, skip meals, lose time with my daughter and stepkids, I lose time with my brother and sister and their families, I lose time with friends… I’ve gone to BBQ’s, birthday parties, anniversary dinners, family get togethers, and holiday parties and when I get home and reflect, I find that I don’t remember a single thing because I was still deep inside of a character/scene/plothole/etc.
When I get the opportunity to take my kid/s to the park or play somewhere or whatever and I’m not focused on the book/scene/plothole/character I focus on her/them completely. I love the way they play, usually (sometimes they scare me to death; my stepson climbs EVERYTHING, and sometimes they don’t play nicely; my daughter gets very bossy and also has some OCD issues). This summer, we went to the park and I realized how much I’ve missed. Not just because of writing, but still missed. My boy is no longer a boy, he’s more of a man. And he cares deeply for his baby sister, even though they bicker almost constantly. My daughter is big enough to do so much on her own, I think she only asks for my help with the spring stools to make me feel needed. And I have no idea when she became okay with the tire swing. Last I knew she was still terrified of it. I also noticed that some things will probably never change. My stepson and husband played football in the field beside the park, then they played on the seesaw (the wrong way) and even chased Little Miss around. Little Miss spent most of her time making friends with other kids at the park, something she does everywhere we go, and forgot to get their name/s, as usual.
I may have been seen as snooty, I guess, Another mom tried talking to me, but I was rude and wouldn’t take my eyes off my family playing. After our failed conversation, she was on the phone and told whoever it was about how adorably my, then, 5 year old daughter was playing with her son, who was barely learning to walk, and said I was weird or shy but had a sweet kid.
I’ll own the weirdness and the shyness, because I’m both.
But I am sorry to that mom that I didn’t even look at her when I said hi back. I know how it feels to feel shunned. I was just so at peace watching my family play. I joined in later, after I worked through my thoughts and all.
I want to be better, but my job is solitary. I am making more time for everything, so that I’m not just about work or just about play or just about school… There’s a pattern to this schedule and it will become routine. I’ll make it work.
There really isn't much point to this post, I just wanted to share a bit of my thoughts from a personal moment this past summer. Have a great week everybody! I'll hopefully be introducing you guys to a new author this week. :)